journey
I called the doctor and the doctor said, "FOMO. That's the problem."

Then I want to cuss.

FOMO (n.): A condition in which a person is unable to make a decision due to the Fear Of Missing Out on other opportunities or experiences.

I've got a bad case of FOMO. It is debilitating. Sometimes it takes me over an hour to get out of bed in the morning because my mind is racing trying to figure out the best way to use my time for the day, as time ironically slips by while I do absolutely nothing.

Questions like, "What should we do tonight?" "Where should we eat?" "What are you going to order?" get my heart racing and anxiety sets in. Don't even get me started on questions that actually matter.

"What do you want to do with your life?"

You better be ready to catch me because I'm going to faint, right about...now.

Here is the thing, I think life is really valuable. I think each minute and moment is incredibly precious and should be focused on things that matter. Even if I have to run an errand or spend time on something that seems lame, like cleaning the toilet, I try hard to find meaning in it. Even a smile at the grouchy DMV employee could make a difference in their day. Family coming home to a clean, shiny, non-smelly toilet definitely makes a difference in their day too. Definitely.

It is so important to me that my life has purpose and is not wasted, that I see a thousand things I could do, or causes to rally behind, or jobs that I would love, or creative outlets I want to learn, or places I would like to travel, or people that I desire to invest in or have invest in me, that I wind up not doing any of them.

If I give my time to this, than I can't do that, and then what would happen?! What if I like that more and end up hating this?

TJ can get so frustrated with me and my FOMO. He calls it out constantly, and understandably so. I have this bad habit of researching things for hours to ensure that I found what is the best of the best and really get the full experience and don't miss out on anything.

Before I had a smartphone, TJ had an iPhone (he would...he's just that cool). We would be driving to explore somewhere and there I was in the passenger seat with his tiny computer filled with possibilities frantically yelping, googling, and mapping the best things to do, see, and eat.

I wouldn't look out the window.
I wouldn't talk to TJ.
I wouldn't hear the music playing.
I wouldn't enjoy the journey.

If I would've just been along for the ride. If I would've settled in for the adventure. If then, maybe I wouldn't be afraid of missing out because I would be present and engaged with the now.

I don't really have any control even if I did make all of the best decisions and do all of the things I wanted. Anything can happen at any time and make the journey harder, easier, funner (yes, I just said funner), or crazier.

Life is unpredicatable. But isn't that exactly what makes it an adventure?

All that we have is right now. So maybe I should get off my computer and start making some decisions. I know they won't all be perfect (breathe, Lindsey...breathe) but they will keep me alive.

And I think that is what I want most of all.